I'm slowly coming to a realization, and I dislike it. I look at my grades, and myself, the things I try to do, I don't feel like I'll ever amount to anything in the real world. I hear from my friends that I'm a good person, and that the things I feel like are personal defects aren't, but I can't help to think that they are fudging the truth a tad.

I have auditions for thisss, and tryouts for thaaat, but I don't think any good will come of it. I'm only adequate. I don't see anything that sets me apart from anyone else. I'm adequate in music, I'm adequate in writing, I'm of adequate intelligence. And adequate is so far beneath where I want to be.

I feel like I'll have nothing to establish a career on. And how many men will desire a woman who has nothing to gain out of life? Nothing she can go forth and do and make something of herself? Who wants to be with nobody?

I'm too insecure to take risks. I have too many complexes to get anything accomplished. I hate the way I look, the way I act, the person I have become, and try as I might to overcome that, and see the good in myself, I cannot.

If it's really there, and everyone else can see it, why can I not?

I look in the mirror and nearly burst into tears every time. I want to smash it into tiny shards and scatter the shards into the winds. I hate what I see every time I gaze into the looking glass.

I see failure, and inadequacy. I see myself not living up to my or anyone else's standards.

I see my prospects as dismal, at best. My interests are too scattered to be good at any one thing. And anything I could possibly do as a career and enjoy, I'm only adequate, and wouldn't be able to handle the competition.

I'm not academically prominent enough in any of my classes to ever get into a good college, or make an actual career out of anything.

I'm not attractive enough to even be a trophy wife.

What the FUCK am I supposed to do?

And, no one would want to deal with me long enough to be betrothed anyway, seeing as how I have self-esteem complexes and abandonment and loneliness issues. I'm clinically depressed and have OCD. I'm paranoid and jump at the slightest shadows. I have insomnia and am increasingly odd and obsessive as the years go on. I'm a liar, deceiver, a bitch. No one will ever want anything to do with me, and I can plainly see why.

I mean, come on. I'm not especially smart or funny. I'm not particularly interesting or amazing. I'm not curvaceous enough to be be attractive in the curvaceous sense. I'm not thin enough to be considered attractive in that sense, either.

Every attempt at anything is just shot down in a flourish of events. I'm too indecisive. Too fickle. One moment, I love this person, have a huge crush on this one, hate this other, etc. etc.

I can't decide between antyhing! I'm too afraid to choose, for fear that I'll be stuck in one decision! Or that I'll be missing something I shouldn't be missing!

And anytime I DO make a decision, the situation makes it nearly impossible for me to be happy, or, even if I am, impossible for it to work out!

Will I EVER be happy?

And the pathetic thing is, most of the people who will read this have no idea I'm actually like this, or have no idea what I'm actually like at all.

I close up, and don't let anyone in, which further supports my "no one will want me" theory. No one KNOWS me, save for a select few. I bottle and bottle, and sob and hide in my own little world, not letting anyone or anything in. And, that's possibly the way it should be. I don't see why anyone would want to deal with this bull-jive.

I can't place my feelings, but the two people they are invested with, both are a futile attempt. I'll never be with either of them, and it kills me.

I suppose I'm just afraid and insecure that I'll never amount to anything and that no one will remember me, or I won't do any good for anyone. Which is all I try to do. I try to keep everyone happy, and not to upset people, but I always fuck everything up. I make people cry, and hurt, and anguish. And I hate myself for it. HATE.

Blah, so many people would be much better off if they hadn't met me. So much so, that it's a tad pathetic.

-Sighs-

[/end emo rant]

NO MORE FIGHTING ON MY DAMN DA!

ALRIGHT!?

GAH!.

If only I could be perfect…If only for him. Cast into the shadows, my heart has strayed away from all warmth. Trembling in fear of closeness, my soul hides from those willing to love me. If only…I weren’t so broken inside. If only I could bear the pain long enough to make something meaningful. What if it’s more than I think? What if it’s less? What if he really hates me? What if I’m not the one for him? Why do these questions span my mind constantly? Why can’t I just bask in the happiness and let it settle over me like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s day?
Why is it so hard to trust? Eternal shunning has destroyed my ability to depend upon any being, even the ones I love… I look into my eyes and see shattered jewels. Once, they were beautiful. Something to be revered. Now…They are deep pools of loneliness and despair, casting a miserable glance over the Earth’s landscape as if they alone are the only things present on that plane of existence.
What if he sees this shattered soul and casts me aside, searching for the perfect one for him. Beauty, brains, and no problems. Why can’t I be that girl? Why can’t I be sure of his love? He has done nothing to hurt me…Why do I keep thinking he will? Why do I suspect treason in the voices of those around me? Why can I not believe the “I love you”s?
…When will I be able to?

<< That guy right there made the most awesomest awesome super cooliest sig ever for me. <3

Go to my scraps, bishes.